The Types of People You Meet in Your Fantasy Football League

A lot of fantasy football commissioners can be real dicks. You think you've pulled off a fair trade and then this power drunk commish decides to put the kibosh on your little deal because HE deems it unfair. FOH! What happened? Does your boss make you his bitch from nine-to-five, so you gotta find another outlet to enact some sort of control? OK, maybe that was a bit harsh, but they drove us to that extreme. Speaking of drove, maybe they just need an "Uncle Ben" in their life who will remind them that "with great power comes great responsibility." Well...some solid words of advice or a swift kick in the nuts. You know, whatever gets the message across more clearly.

"We should have less bench players." "Shouldn't there be fewer IR spots?" "I'm looking to trade one of my RBs, any takers?" Do you recall that saying "the only dumb questions are the ones that aren't asked?" Yeah, erase that from your memory, like, right now. You know that student who ruins the enjoyment of leaving class early by asking some pointless question, or even worse, asking questions in general?! That's what this person is to fantasy football. Since they're so into asking questions, we've got some of our own. Like, you know this is just a game, right? Or, do you have any actual friends you can entertain with your little day-to-day musings?

"Vick's Dawgz." "Hernandez's Orange Jumpsuit Crew." How many scraps of paper did you roll up into a ball and toss at a garbage before you came up with those winners? Actually, we're scared to find out the answer to that. Look, we know you want to be original and all that, but it's just a team name. Unless you can automatically get a playoff berth on your name alone, just go with something more basic next time.

Yeah sure, trade my best running back for your third-best receiver, that sounds fair...in a world that doesn't exist. These types of people are the absolute worse. They're the type that will try and sell you a piece of shit used car and haggle by starting at $20,000, only going down a stack with each new offer. They're the fantasy football version of the street vendors who tell you "I got a good deal for you, my friend" only to hit you with some ridiculous dollar amount in the end. Try and avoid these players at all costs, even if you want or need to execute a trade with them. In the end, it will just be a waste of your time.

We understand you love your team but it's OK to branch out. And, sit down before reading the rest of this sentence, it's OK to pick players from your team's rivals. How many people have actually won a league using this method? Hmm, probably all of zero! Look, your loyalty is a good look, but c'mon, man, there's other fish in the sea. Feel us?

The draft is the make-or-break moment for any fantasy football team. You're trying to pick up the right pieces that'll lead you to victory and then someone in your auction draft decides to be funny and throw out Chad Johnson for a buck. Oh, man, you're hilarious. Is that the type of reaction you want? Unfortunately, we live in the real world so you're going to get an "you're kidding us, right?" It's bad enough that some of these drafts last as long as Ben-Hur yet you gotta throw that little joke out there. Time is money and right now, you're wasting our time, money.

The same thing happens in March Madness pools. Your preparation, no matter how in-depth or brief it is, gets overshadowed by the person who did absolutely nothing. They're out there in your league succeeding with a guy they think is named Sam Newton of the Carolina...oh what's the name again...oh, that's right, Paaaaantheeers. Sometimes, we borderline give up on life when these people come along. Actually, we're getting nauseous thinking about encountering one of these players this year.

Too bad Matthew Berry or the people over at Yahoo! can't tell them what to eat and wear too, huh? These people treat analysts like living gods. Their word is scripture, their podcasts are music to their ears and every Sunday, they convene by the TV to discuss the prospects of their players' success. What happened to that little 'ol pastime called thinking for yourself? It sounds crazy but these folks believe the word of Berry, a guy who tends to be more wrong than right, more than they believe their own thinking processes.

The oversharer doesn't give a crap what you have to say or what's going on in your life because it all just pales in comparison to what's happening in their league. And don't try and change the subject into something more tailored for your line of discussion because the oversharer will make any poor transition they need to in order to get back to discussing their team. "Oh, you're calling it quits with your girl? That reminds me, I should probably call it quits with Chris Johnson being on my team after he struggled again last week." "Oh, you're girlfriend is expecting? That reminds me, I'm expecting this other dude in my league to accept my trade offer. I think it's a good one, let me tell you all about it..."

After one good week on the field, this person immediately picks up the player once the waivers roll around. Sure, it works out from time to time but this person probably also stockpiled their basement for every single time the rapture was supposed to be upon us. Look how that worked out. In fantasy football, it's a food chain. The waiver wire abuser gets eaten alive by low ball dealer as Morgan Freeman narrates the entire thing for National Geographic.

We've all been there. You're actively checking your team, making changes here and there and then there's that player who just doesn't do a damn thing with their team. Maybe work is to blame, but that's just a lame excuse for having to check your team out twice a week. On the plus side, once byes roll around, they can be an easy win since they don't check their roster on a weekly basis. However, there's also the prospect that they have someone you would love to have on your squad. Tough luck because you've got a better shot at getting Jerry Jones to give up on Viagra and his team than getting in touch with this dude.