10 Predictions for the Season Finale of "Empire"

Pretty much all melodramas/shameless nighttime soap operas are fast-paced, with more story than they actually care to honor. Looking back, this debut season of Empire threw a lot of plot at the wall, and even more up in the air. With two episodes left, it's all gotta come crashing down, from the ALS to the IPO, Jamal and Hakeem's albums, Andre's disorder, Cookie being, well Cookie, and like 15 other subplots.

I started this list with the intent of earnestly offering a handful of predictions for how this record-breaking season of television might conclude. But in trying to put myself in the mindset of a soap opera writer, I over-succeeded; my hypothetical plotlines became increasingly ridiculous, outlandish, absurd, implausible, and undeniable. This list tracks my descent into melodramatic, live-tweet baiting madness. At the start you'll find tame suggestions and guesses that will probably happen. By the end of the list, I'll have gone full Young and the Restless.

Producers teased to Entertainment Weekly in their Empire cover story that before the season is over, another murder will go down, and via candlestick on some real Clue? shit. So who's going to get got? All bets over here are placed on the most blatantly superfluous member of the cast, Vernon Turner.

To summarize: all fam has done this season is Birdman handrub in the shadows with Andre behind Lucious' back, learn that Lucious murdered Bunky (remember him?!) and Birdman handrub some more with his sponsor, because everyone on this show has a cross to bear. Then for his big return to relevance last week, he fell off the wagon and foolishly let a guy who ended up putting a gun to Cookie's head into Lucious' crib. He's got dirt on the protagonist, contributes virtually nothing else to the show, and let a goon enter the gates? Yup, that Versace candlestick's got a big Uncle V etched on it.

EW's cover story confirms that Lucious will finally chose which Lyon cub will inherit the throne of Empire Enterprises by the time Season 1 is over. Andre is, by far, the most equipped to actually run the place. Hakeem has long been Lucious' overt favorite. So, in the grand tradition of soap opera subversive storytelling, it just has to be Jamal. It's left field, it's surprising, and most of all, it creates a thirst for the new season.

What would an empire run by the level-headed but also latently egotistical Jamal look like? What does the Empire universe, with Jamal and Lucious finally aligned instead of at odds with each other, look like? Hakeem is all over every episode, but out of all the Lyon kids, Season 1 is clearly Jamal's story. The outcast son earning the keys to the kingdom is the perfect way to conclude it.

Not sure if you've picked up on it over these last nine episodes or so, but Lucious Lyon is trying to take Empire Enterprises public. With, like, an IPO. Maybe you've heard him mention it. Unless Danny Strong and Lee Daniels have a really big hard-on for the intricacies of public trading (which they might actually—this show is mining everything IPO-related for drama, from investor wrangling to freaking key-man policies), this is going to finally get resolved before the first season's over. And of course, it will go through.

But something will fuck it up, and Lucious will be subjected to one hell of a catch. I, for one, do not portend to know the intricacies of public trading, but what if Lucious keeps less than 51% and Season 2 is all about the family uniting to deal with (read: battle) a majority shareholder who is the absolute worst? Old Rich Character Actor extraordinaire Alan Dale is available, if casting suggestions are needed.

Another things soap operas love to do: bring things full circle in grand, totally un-subtle form. Empire's story began with Cookie's release. What better state of emotional peril to place the show's breakout character in than return her to the hell she's been fighting to permanently stay out of all season? And what would she get knocked for, you ask? How about arranging a murder by way of Special Guest Star DeRay Davis? That plotline was a big deal for, like, all of one episode and a half and then was unceremoniously dropped. Just poor writing, or a narrative feint to pull the rug out from under Cookie in the season's final moments?

Save a song or two, this show is hard-pressed to remember its own mythology that Lucious is a retired rap gawd. We hear about it all the time, but what have we actually heard? When Hakeem bricks, what if Lucious takes it upon himself to save the company with a much-heralded return to rapping? (Which also bricks because everything we've heard from him sounds fucking awful.) What the DJ Spin, indeed. But the mere sight of Terrence Howard rapping and singing again will undoubtedly evoke Hustle & Flow even more directly than the show already does, which is too good a prospect to turn down.

What the hell was the point of having Courtney Love on here, fam? A big deal is made out of Cookie being the one to dry her character, Elle, out of drugs/alcohol and being metaphorically washed. Anika undoes all of that with a spritz of God knows what in Elle's drink via her handy dandy secret agent purse. And then...nothing. Why book Courtney Love? Why devote so much time to this story at all? You don't cast Courtney just to leave her strung out against her will.

Picture it: Anika, fed up, is ready to reveal Lucious' ALS to the world and derail everything. She meets with him on the Empire Enterprises rooftop to prepare him for the blow...she owes him that much. Then Elle, having discovered what Anika did and still off the wagon, rages and pushes her off 50 stories to her death, effectively saving the Lyon family and the IPO. But wait! Anika survives the fall (Boo Boo Kitty, nine lives) but has amnesia! Of just the last few weeks, conveniently. Lucious, cunning bastard that he is, uses this to return things to the status quo, with the threat of Anika's memories hanging over Season 2.

WTF does Rhonda even do on this show besides freaky sex shit? That's wild chauvinistic writing, fam. Andre's Caucasian Queen needs some agency—what better way than for her to get involved in the family business? (I've seen every episode but don't even remember what her real job is to be honest.) We know now that Lucious randomly hates that his son brought a white she-devil into the family, but we also know he's a master opportunist. If Empire really wants to imitate the current pop music landscape via Lucious' business acumen and the label's roster, it needs a crossover white rapper. Imagine if L. Lyon becomes a full-on culture vulture enabler and signs his daughter-in-law? I'm already drooling at the thought of potential sexy video shoots.

First the viral video, now this (blatantly topical) incident?! Barry O, fed up with Lucious and his fuccboi son, pulls a few strings and shorts Hakeem's first week numbers to saddle him with a nice copper plaque, just like the brat deserves.

Honestly, judging from Terrence's latest public appearances, it looks like your boy Lucious is about to get the ill Caesar cut. But how much more soap operatic would it be if the perm he's seen sporting in the pilot made a triumphant return? Where did it go in the first place? A real, slicked back lion's mane is much more fitting for this melodrama than whatever he's got going on now. Did the ALS-induced hand tremors fuck up his conk game?

"You just gon fuck around and deny Andre his own company? Well Andre gon start his own company then! The Andre Lyon Music Group finna put Lucious Lyon's washed up ass out of business, boy! Fuck the pills, Rhonda, Andre on one!" —example board meeting