Great Moments In American History We Wish We Were Drunk For

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Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

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Good morning, America. I hope you’re enjoying yourself on the eve of the 237th anniversary of our great nation performing it’s own C-section from within England’s womb. It’s been an interesting couple and change centuries and we’ve had our highs and lows. But in the spirit of this fine holiday, marked by the copious consumption alcohol, pyrotechnics and Chinet, let’s focus on the highs.

Great as America is, the particulars can be a little—let’s face it—dull. History class is basically a highlight reel of our nation posterizing other countries, yet we still slept through it. The best way to appreciate the gravitas of an American milestone is by being there to feast your own eye-tongues on those moment-pops. And the best way to experience anything of import is while you’re fucking hammered.

Beamed straight from my honeycomb hideout inside Mt. Rushmore, here are the greatest moments in American history we wish we were drunk for.

Rick Morrison is a writer living in North Carolina. Follow him on Twitter here.

1. DrunkAmericanHistory

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2. statueofliberty

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3. louisiana

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The Louisiana Purchase

Here’s an instance where the purchaser, the seller, or both, were probably drunk and/or playing high-stakes baccarat when the deal went down. Peep game: Thomas Jefferson paid Napoleon $11 million for 828,000 square miles of land, which is $230 million in 2013 guap. That’s fucking forty-two cents per acre. The entire middle part of our nation was bought for less than the collective worth of all the fake eyelashes in New Jersey.

4. civilwar

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5. declaration

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6. burrhamilton

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7. WorldWar2

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8. benfranklin

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9. goldrush

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10. columbus

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11. thanksgiving

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12. railroad

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13. americanflag

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14. prohibition

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15. lewisandclark

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16. kennedynixon

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17. telephone

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