As professional sports players, you wouldn’t expect AFL footballers to be able to hold a note. That doesn’t make players trying to sing or act any less cringeworthy or amazing, however. A Virgin Australia 2013 collaboration with the St Kilda football club has recently resurfaced, and “boy oh boy wowee” is it incredible. The video is linked below, but beware, your facial muscles may collapse into themselves in the cringe of Nick Riewoldt lip-syncing to a terrible a capella rendition of the Saints club song.
Everything about this video is amazing, from “Big Boy” Ben McEvoy’s lip-syncing being just slightly out-of-sync enough to be disturbing, to Nick Riewoldt’s weird Glee dance moves as he attempts to move his lips to the time of the backing track. Of course, there is also the glorious early scene of the legendary Justin Koschitske emerging from his weekly concussion to try and sing a note. This isn’t to say that AFL players attempting to enter the world of theatre is bad by any means, but next time, please make it less disturbing.
Of course, this isn’t the first instance of AFL and VFL players have attempted to emerge on Broadway or Hollywood. Here are 5 of the best (or worst) instances of footy players trying to sing. For bonus points, try and make it through all 5 without switching to Rugby.
5. VFL players sing "We Love Football"
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NWA's reign is undoubtedly a major moment in hip-hop history – just behind, of course, VFL players in 1988 rapping to the masterpiece, "We Love Football". Unfortunately, after this Oscar-worthy music video was released during the 1988 Grand Final Week, it reached the top 40 before vanishing faster than Collingwood’s competitive streak. The only version that exists is this one, where all of the audio has been dubbed except Danny Frawley enjoying himself way too much at 2:08. Also notable are incredible lyrics such as "a lion always eats a swan for dinner", albeit missing a large amount of credible biological research. Lions do not even recognise the period of dinner, nor do they exclusively eat swans during that period.
4. Steven Kernahan sings "Stand By Your Man"
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Tammy Wynette may have originally created the smash hit ‘Stand by Your Man’, but in 1987 Carlton champion Steven Kernahan truly revolutionised the classic with his beautiful rendition. If '80s football could be summarised in 40 seconds, it would be this. Kernahan and his teammates were interviewed outside Naughtons Hotel after an absolute bender following their grand final victory. Safe to say Kernahan is not completely sober here. It’s truly a talent when someone tries sing for nearly a minute and doesn’t hit a single note.
3. Mark “Jacko” Jackson – "Me Brain Hurts"
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Did we miss something? How are we not discussing this every single day non-stop? Did this actually happen? Mark “Jacko” Jackson’s venture into the world of music was a brief one, and this video should be enough evidence as to why. His first song, "I’m an Individual" actually rose to number three on the Aussie charts. His second release, titled ‘Me Brain Hurts’ (yes, really) wasn’t as successful. Why was this? Could it be the strange nightmare-inducing fish eye lens placed on Jackson’s face for half of the video, or the extremely problematic gay-stereotype impression he does as he sings ‘I’m feeling kind of queer’? The song does speak some truth though, your brain will definitely hurt when you watch this.
2. Warwick Capper – "I Only Take What’s Mine"
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Do you, Warwick? Do you only “take what’s yours”? Because I don’t remember my soul and faith in humanity belonging to you. Mark “Jacko” Jackson’s perceived “success” in the recording industry appeared to inspire living-meme Warwick Capper into recording the song "I Only Take What’s Mine" in 1985. There is so much jam inside this delicious donut, from the Warwick’s hair somehow being more glorious than the scantily clad models in the video, to his number plate that says "Macho", and clips of Capper’s infamous dukes being awkwardly being awkwardly cut-to throughout the video. If you can work out what is going on in this clip, you are one smart cookie. We have no idea what the story is supposed to be, only that the recording studio door must have been enormous if it could fit Capper’s inflated ego.
1. VFL players sing the Channel 7 theme
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IT! CAN’T! BE!
Brian Taylor’s confused reaction to the deliberate out of bounds rule could be applied to any of these videos, but none more than this one. Back in the '80s everything needed a theme song, including Channel 7, for some reason. In round three of 1985, Channel 7 released this masterpiece in cringe. There are so many things to love, Gerard Healy taking it way too seriously, Wayne Schimmellbush from North Melbourne working way too hard to hit the right notes. Of course, we can’t look past certain Carlton players singing surprisingly well, and even providing a seedy wink as the cherry on top.
