We Simulated a Basketball Game Between Team USA and the Stars (Like Steph and Lebron) Who Are Sitting Out

A team made of guys who declined playing for Team USA could beat Team USA. So we proved it.

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Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

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You've surely heard a lot of folks lately talking about how they're going to "Make America Great Again," but these idiots are late. America was already made great again about a decade ago by LeBron James, Carmelo Anthony, Kobe Bryant, and a snake in human skin who goes by the name of Jerry Colangelo. Colangelo, the director of USA Basketball, took a downtrodden American basketball program fresh off a colossally disappointing bronze medal finish in the 2004 Summer Olympics and injected a much-needed dose of enthusiasm and patriotism. With the help of aforementioned superstars like Bron, Melo, and Kobe, and a new men's head coach in Mike Krzyzewski​, Colangelo's new USA Basketball "Redeem Team" brought the gold back to the world's only basketball superpower by going undefeated in the 2008 Summer Olympics. The program followed up that effort by going undefeated all the way through the 2010 FIBA World Championships, the 2012 Summer Olympics, and the 2014 FIBA World Championships. America was great again.

Today the official roster for the 2016 Men's Olympic team was released and, although the talent remains impressive and the team is your likely gold medal winner, it was a bit disappointing. The two best players on earth—both Americans and players we watched go head-to-head for seven games in the NBA Finals—will not be in Rio. Neither will the back-to-back defensive player of the year Kawhi Leonard. Or James Harden. Or Russell Westbrook.

Team USA basketball, it seems, has a stronger squad sitting on their couches this summer than playing in Brazil. So we wanted to find out for sure.

Whatifsports.com is a website that offers the ability to simulate professional sports in remarkable detail, so we uploaded the official Team USA Basketball roster as well as our best NOT Team USA Basketball roster to see which squad is supreme. Whatifsports.com allowed us to set our starters, the coaching rotations, and even the location of the game (a neutral Washington D.C. court because America), and below are the details of how the game turned out, complete with play-by-play. Sure, it's NBA rules instead of FIBA rules, but the result is the result.

This is Team USA Basketball Vs. Team Declined USA Basketball: A Detailed Simulation.

Rosters

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First Quarter

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CLICK HERE FOR DETAILED PLAY-BY-PLAY

Eleven seconds into the game and Steph has already fouled Boogie who promptly misses both free throws. I LOVE THIS GAME!

Bron's already all over the court, grabbing boards, stealing passes from Melo, and setting up plays for The Brow and Harden. 

Wait—we're even keeping track of whether or not our pretend team is throwing pretend no-look passes in this pretend game? I love this simulator so much I wanna take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

Scoring remains low in the first quarter, and interestingly enough it seems Blake Griffin is putting in the most work on the NOT Team USA side by catching lobs from Drummond and dunking off Westbrook dishes. No Kia necessary. 

END OF FIRST QUARTER

Team USA: 18

NOT Team USA: 19

Second Quarter

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CLICK HERE FOR DETAILED PLAY-BY-PLAY

The second quarter starts and immediately LeBron gets his shot blocked / stolen by DeAndre Jordan. If there's a common theme in this quarter, it's domination by the big men. Boogie is nailing shots from distance, DeAndre Jordan is balling like he wants his State Farm commercial mom character to land a feature movie role, and the front court players for the NOT squad are making their presence felt as well.

Anthony Davis three? Check. LaMarcus fadeaway? Check. Andre Drummond late quarter takeover to put Draymond in foul trouble? Triple check.

Add in a few smart plays from LBJ and NOT Team USA is out to an eight point lead at the half.

END OF FIRST HALF

Team USA: 45

NOT Team USA: 53

Third Quarter

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One of the biggest changes to USA Basketball has been the influx of American stars who are also legitimate shooting threats. Back in the dark days of the 2004 Summer Olympics, one of the issues that plagued the team was a severe lack of shooters. Sure, Allen Iverson and Tim Duncan are Hall of Famers and two of the best to ever step on an NBA floor; that doesn't necessarily mean either one could consistently knock down a three pointer. 

Having All-Stars with range is an enormous advantage for the present-day U.S. squad, and Team USA immediately gets itself back in the game with two quick threes from Melo and KD.

NOT Team USA is quick to sub—time to get Drummond out of there in favor of the quicker Anthony Davis. The bleeding is stopped momentarily, that is until Boogie Cousins nails his second trey of the game to give Team USA their first lead since the score was 7-4 in the opening quarter.

Is this it? Is the tide finally turning? Did DeMarcus' deep ball clear the way for his team of African-Americans to overtake LeBron's team of Vacation-Americans?

Nope. Harden nails a three, and with Harrison Barnes spelling Klay Thompson, USA just doesn't have the same firepower it had early in the quarter. DeRozan goes on a mini run to put Team USA up a point again, but between Harden and Wade the Zika-free homebodies have found a way to stay in front.

END OF THIRD QUARTER

Team USA: 71

NOT Team USA: 72

Fourth Quarter

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CLICK HERE FOR DETAILED PLAY-BY-PLAY

Coach K must be tripping. At the 9:47 mark Team USA is only down two points, yet the legendary Duke coach decides to opt for a full hockey line swap. Melo, Lowry, DeMarcus, Paul George, and DeRozan are out, and Kyrie, Klay, DeAndre, Durant, and Barnes are in.

It's like Coach K forgot the No. 1 thing we've learned over the past decade or so of FIBA: Carmelo Anthony is your best player.

This surely sounds silly to anyone who strictly watches these guys on an NBA floor, but to anyone who has watched Team USA closely it's clear that Melo is one of if not the best player on the court at any given time. It's almost a shame he had to play in the NBA instead of destroying everything in his path for Maccabi Tel Aviv or some crap. Melo's patented long two jumper is right behind the international three-point line, and his size makes him the perfect stretch 4 (or even 5) in FIBA. Coach K probably thought he was injecting some youthful energy into his team by taking out Melo in favor of KD, Kyrie, and Klay, but that turned out to be the wrong number of K's. In a little over two minutes, the two point deficit has ballooned to 10. 

Klay Thompson tries valiantly to keep Team USA in the game, but it's too little too late. With Boogie in foul trouble Anthony Davis and Andre Drummond are getting whatever they want inside. Boogie nails a last ditch three (HIS THIRD OF THE GAME), but it doesn't change the outcome. And after the Kings' malcontent finally fouls out, all that's left is for someone on the NOT Team USA side to put the nail in the coffin. Enter: LeBron James.

Game. Blouses. Team USA loses it's first game since 2006, and Team Declined aka Team Laziness aka Team Vacay is your winner. Suck it, try-hards.

Final Stats

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Shoutout to Melo for getting that triple double despite the loss. Team USA is still in line to comfortably walk away with the gold medal in Rio, let's just pray they don't have to face a team of other (more rested) Americans.

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