Patriots Win Bonkers Super Bowl, Your Complete Complex Recap

It just got done, it's in the books, Super Bowl XLIX 49 is on ice, and the (SPOILER ALERT!) Seahawks Patriots are your NFL champs.

Here's a recap of what 99% of you just saw.

Contrary to the rest of the game, the first quarter got started very boringly, with neither team scoring, at all. You may find this hard to believe, but in the history of the Tom Brady-Bill Belichick player/coach combo, the Patriots have never mustered a single point in six Super Bowl first quarters. The play of the quarter was a piss poor red zone decision by Brady (the eventual Super Bowl MVP) who lobbed up an easy pick that you or I could've intercepted, leading to a gruesome injury that you or I could've sustained, when cornerback Jeremy Lane grabbed himself a gimme before leaving with his arm in an aircast. For once we capitulated to good judgment, which is why we aren't embedding Lane's pain. But for the sadists among you, here's a link. Please don't click it.

Once the second quarter started the game picked up. Tom Brady tested Lane's replacement, Tharold Simon, and got the Pats on the board first with a TD strike to Brandon LaFell.

The pass (embedded below) was Brady's 50th career TD throw in the playoffs.

Afterward, the Seahawks answered, even though it took them awhile to get on track. In fact, we were almost 25 minutes into the game before Russell Wilson completed his first pass (his early game passing struggles were a similar theme in the NFC Championship). But a deep strike to  former CFLer Chris Matthews got the Seahawks into the red zone, and at that point the Hawks' coaching staff didn't overthink it, meaning Marshawn Lynch scored a TD and probably grabbed his dick, because a man only gets so many chances to do that in front of a worldwide audience.

Here's a screenshot of said dick grab, conveniently blocked by a Patriots helmet, which makes it look like guard J.R. Sweezy got in on the action as well:

Obviously it's hard to tell, but Adam Schefter's Twitter account intimated that we could be seeing a fine* later in the week. So that should be interesting.

Eventually the Patriots jumped back out on top, with Tom Brady connecting on a 22-yard TD strike to Gronk, who was lined up across from a linebacker on the outside. This Vine is the consequence of that type of mismatch:

At that point the Patriots went into halftime mode, with just 31 seconds left before we were to see Katy Perry and her backup duo of some stupid shark mascots. But such fuckery does not stand in the Super Bowl, and the Seahawks went 80 yards in 29 seconds. The Seahawks appeared to be content with a field goal, but the Patriots said "nah man, take seven. Let's make this fun," before giving Seattle a 15-yard face mask, and a quick strike TD to the aforementioned Chris Matthews with just two ticks left.

There, that was just the first half. Then the halftime show started, and your girlfriend, or your Super Bowl party, or whatever went nuts. Music covered it.

And then the second half began.

Chris Matthews kept the room saying "Who the fuck is Chris Matthews!?" with a 45-yard catch on the Seahawks opening second-half drive to officially reach the century mark on the night. This led to a 27-yard field goal from Steven Hauschka which we'd post a Vine of, but it was a field goal so, you know...

A second Tom Brady interception (courtesy of linebacker Bobby Wagner) screwed New England out of any chance of keeping the game a back-and-forth shootout (for now).

Afterward, Seattle easily drove down field where Russell Wilson found a wide open Doug Baldwin (in part, thanks to a pick on Darrelle Revis by the ref).

With his moment in the spotlight, Doug Baldwin channeled/straight up stole Randy Moss's mooning celebration, which did lead to a 15-yard flag, but did not lead to Joe Buck fainting (at least, not on the air).

At the time we didn't realize it (thanks to a quick cutaway by NBC) but apparently Baldwin added his own twist to Moss's celebration by cleverly pretending to shit out the ball. This will almost certainly be the non-football storyline that's most frequently discussed tomorrow:

The TD also led to Richard Sherman mocking Revis on Seattle's sideline:

That's how it stood as we entered the fourth quarter, with the Seahawks leading 24-14 in a game that was looking like the Pacific Northwest could start drunkingly setting fire to parked cars early.

But that's not how it went. That was last year. This year was (understatement alert) significantly more entertaining.

In the Patriots' first drive of the fourth quarter, the Seahawks defense didn't mirror the same cockiness as their ball-shitting, sack-palming, Revis-mocking celebrations (oh, and they also pretended to check the ball for air because their trash-talk game was on-point tonight):

But their defense let down in the final quarter and the Patriots drove down field (thanks mainly to a 21-yard reception over the middle that may have gotten the Patriots a first down, but cost years off Julian Edelman's life). It's a catch that someday his kids will be able to tell him about:

A few plays later, Brady missed Edelman on a wide open touchdown throw that would've partially validated the snotbubbling he took a few plays earlier. Instead, the next play Brady threw a TD in the back of the end zone to Danny Amendola. Like all the other touchdowns, here it is in a Vine:

On top of closing the gap with Seattle, that Vine is historic, as it also shows Brady throwing the 12th TD of his Super Bowl career surpassing Joe Montana for the most all-time.

After a way too quick quick three-and-out, the Pats got the ball back with a chance to take their first lead of the second half. At that moment, ever the veteran, Brady dinked and dunked his way down the field, taking whatever open space the Legion of Boom opted to give his receivers and All-Pro tight end.

Then, on the five-yard-line, offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels proved he has a better memory than Julian Edelman will a few years down the road by calling the same play we alluded to before (the Tom Brady/Edelman miss) which, this time, was successful.

It was enough to make your senile grandpa jump off the recliner and shout "Touchdown, Wes Welker!" But it also left two minutes on the clock for Russell Wilson and a Seahawk receiver to pull some Eli-to-David Tyree-type crazy bullshit in yet another gut wrenching final drive against Belichick's Patriots.

Of course, no way that could happen.

But guess what? Guess the fuck what? About a minute later, thanks to a circus catch by Jeramine Kearse, it did go down. It's the type of craziness that must be seen (or Vine-ed) to believe:

Two plays later, announcer Al Michaels and color guy Cris Collinsworth debated whether or not Belichick should concede a TD to Seattle to give Brady the final chance at NFL-hot potato. After all, the Seahawks were going not overthink it again, give it to Beast Mode, let him grab his dick one final time, and put the pressure on the Pats in the waning seconds. 

But then this happened:

And that was your ball game.

[via Vine/Twitter]

Send all complaints, compliments, and tips to sportstips@complex.com