10 Reasons Why Eli Manning Is More Badass Than Peyton

Image via Complex Original

And while Philip Rivers critics may not be happy, sometimes you got to really stretch to argue why someone's a bigger badass than Peyton Manning. When Eli told San Diego to kiss it in the '04 Draft he took a page out of John Elway's "Do What the 'F' I Want Because I'm the Best" book. Perfect weather every day. Peaceful California beaches. Just down the road from Tijuana. Who the hell would want that!? Give us the miserable winters and ridiculous congestion of New York City (complete with five figure rent for an apartment that could fit in a San Diegan's bedroom). Props to a guy who went to a city that perpetually pats itself on the back. If you can succeed in a town of self-congratulation you must be something. Which leads us to...

In this metropolis everyone is aggravated. How can you blame them? You can't drive anywhere. If you do drive you got to be on the lookout for people aimlessly texting while crossing the road. You hit them and for some reason you get in trouble. You can't breathe. You get frisked for no reason. And it costs $200 to get a cab to the airport. It's no wonder they wig out on their sports teams for the slightest trace of failure.

For the record, nobody rolls their eyes more at constant east coast sports coverage than this writer. But the massive press factor is relevant because Peyton wilts so frequently under the spotlight. He's the greatest regular season producer in history. Again, he's (probably) the best quarterback of all-time. We love Peyton like we love Dippin' Dots, but that performance against Baltimore in the playoffs last year was a metaphor for his career. Take Peyton number one in Fantasy all you want. Just don't put your car title on the line for him in the postseason. You'll end up with broken legs. Every time. For all we know Mark Sanchez would be Joe Montana in Seattle. Instead he resides in the city that never sleeps, nor shuts the hell up about sports. The Big Apple gets on your tits for everything and yet Eli, usually, comes through. 

David Tyree played a massive part of this (obviously). But it's the only reason anybody knows his name and, let's be honest, it was pure luck. The most iconic play (of either Manning's career) was made possible by a Pro Bowler escasping the grasp of a pass-rush that just couldn't stand going undefeated. Eli avenged the Giants' Week 17 loss and becomes the only QB to drop the '07 Pats (a chance Peyton missed in Week 9 of that season). So when you see Mercury Morris living four decades in the past you have Eli to thank. Oh, and that Giants front four.

That constant barking you hear throughout this grainy '80s footage is Eli in a pre-Red Bull era. His current "oh shucks" attitude is overcompensation for his apparent energy laden youth. We'll cut to the chase in case you don't want to explain to a co-worker (or roommate) why you're watching an internet video of a bunch of little kids. The best part of this video is Eli biting it in the driveway, then, as we've seen so many times before, shaking it off to continue grinding. It's a wonder (and a mystery) that they didn't name him "Manimal." It's a flashback to an innocent time in every Manning's life. While Eli's catching TDs from an NFL QB, Peyton's struggling with the red light on the camcorder.

After the Colts went a disastrous 3-13 in 1997 they foolishly drafted young Peyton over a rocket armed stud out of Washington State named Ryan Leaf. Peyton then took the job of another brother with less rings than his sibling, Jim Harbaugh (who left to helm the Ravens).

Eli went to the Giants in a Draft day trade and displaced a future Hall of Famer in Kurt Warner. While Peyton just sent Tim Tebow to the Jets. Keeping the most talked about backup in NFL history a backup was something even Mark Sanchez could do. Kurt still had a Super Bowl berth left in his system, while padding his resume as a future Canton inductee. Tebow, on the other hand, succeeded only in costing ESPN a large chunk of its journalistic credibility.

Only one man has ever bested Tom Brady in America's biggest game. That man is Eli and he did it twice. Peyton may be the GOAT (that's up for debate) but he does melt in pressure time. Sorry to reiterate Denver, but what the hell was up with the Broncos last year? They were 10 times better than the Ravens and their geriatric defense and overrated quarterback. It wasn't all Rahim Moore (though that's amongst the shittiest plays of all-time). Flash to Thursday, the Ravens have gotten worse, but Peyton still clowned them for seven touchdowns.

We'll take postseason performance over opening acts every time. Eli holds a few records that actually mean something (that's not a direct reference to Peyton, more like anyone who's ever played in the league). Most 4th quarter TD passes in a season (2011 - Super Bowl Champ) and most passing yards in a postseason (2011 - Uh, Super Bowl Champ).

It's got to be a pain to be approached by some jabbering dickhole with a camera when you're trying to catch a cab at the airport. TMZ has that market covered. Thank God, because society would collapse without these clips with the same obnoxious voice and lame banter. At least they got the inside scoop on where Mrs. Manning is holding her Turkey Day.

When you play in the NFL you're going to get smashed on the regular. Eli's at 136 starts and counting. Peyton's streak ended at 208. All Eli has to do is play four and a half more years (longer than the average NFL career) and he'll pass Peyton in the attrition department (though he'll still be almost 90 starts short of Favre). You may say "Well, Peyton's beaten him then." But today we're celebrating America's neglected Manning (oh wait, that's Cooper).

The two greatest quarterbacks of this era are Peyton Manning and Tom Brady. Feel free to argue over who's better, but Brady slurpers will always be able to point to the fact that Tom beats Peyton like a bongo. Remember when those fans (who probably spent their life savings on a trip to the game) were screaming at Gisele to bounce on Eli? Talking about how Eli "owned" her beloved husband. Well maybe those drunken turds had a point. After all, how many people thought the 2011-12 Giants would best Brady again? If they were sharing a prison cell it's evident who'd be in the top bunk.

Still, Eli is not consistently rated amongst the greatest quarterbacks in the game today. Crown him with a new nickname: (Eli)te Manning because you can't spell elite without Eli.

You can also call him two-time Super Bowl Champion Eli Manning. Not to mention his two Super Bowl MVPs, two victories over "The Hoodie," and two rides in a convertible with Mickey Mouse. We're told all the time that sports are about team, and yet, when a guy doesn't win a championship the media never shuts the hell up about it.

Peyton's one title came over Rex Grossman while Eli beat Tom Brady. And the last time he did it was in the house that Peyton built. If that's not the definition of a "badass" than what is? Tonight  when you curl up to watch a game with your girl (or, more likely by yourself) and Eli loses by 30 points you'll ask aloud "What the hell was that dude talking about?" However, it won't matter because we only pay attention to Eli in the playoffs.