12 Ways to Win an Argument on the Internet

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Anyone who makes a grammatical error is immediately wrong, no matter how grounded in facts their argument may be. Think about it: if you don't remember every single bit of minutiae you learned in eighth grade English class, how can you be taken seriously? Grammar is an essential component to getting any job in the modern economy. Librarians, English teachers, and spinster book club members are the most respected members of society; is it any coincidence that they comprise the majority of our nation's self-appointed grammar police? The bottom line is if you can't keep your "yours" and "theres" straight, you certainly aren't capable of holding an opinion or stating a fact.

These handy keyboard tricks are the three horsemen of Internet comment pwnage. If you feel that you aren't being heard (or, rather, seen) well enough in a comment thread, you can always kick things up a notch with any of these three tactics. It's important that you're careful with these argument accents though. If you cap, exclaim, or emoji too early in a conversation, then you've got nowhere to go but down. Gradually introduce caps first in phrases like, "if you'd just stop and think FOR ONE SECOND," save exclamation points for killer lines like, "Wake up sheeple!!!!" and save your best emojis until you've got your enemy right where you want them. If you pace yourself effectively, you can flame your way to a serious #win.

If your opponent is starting to make some good points and you find yourself losing the upper hand, take them down the Internet wormhole. This is the web equivalent of guerrilla warfare; if you can't win the battle, shift the battlefield. If they trot out video media evidence, accuse the network of using tragedy reenactors. If they back up their point with photos, point out that they've obviously been doctored. If they use words of any kind, insist portions have been redacted or even altered by the government. Once you open up the argument to include unverifiable rumors and crackpot theories, any claim you make is just as right as any other. Before you know it, you'll be False Flagging and Illuminatizing your way to Internet glory. The best part about being a truther is that you get to change the truth whenever you want.

Obviously, this one is tricky if you lack the resources, but if you have a few thousand dollars of your parents' money or advertiser cash lying around, this is totally a valid approach. The beautiful thing about musical parody is that you don't actually have to make a point, you just have to bust out that rhyming dictionary. If you realize that you can rhyme "Ted Cruz" with "What a snooze" you've already won.

"As a mother," "As a veteran," "As a bionuclear physicist:" it doesn't matter what you are, it just matters that you can assume an unearned position of authority. It doesn't even matter if the title you're claiming has anything to do with the argument at hand. The Internet is full of self-styled experts. Tons of money has been made by regular people like you who set themselves as "social media gurus," "political gadflys," and "wellness bloggers" without worrying about dumb things like credentials. You already know that on the Internet, you can be anything you want. It's also important to know that you can use whatever you are to claim the high ground in any argument regardless of the actual argument you're making.

Amassing a large Twitter following is an important step to take if you want to be right no matter how wrong you are. If you have an extensive Twitter reach, you can call on your fellow Twarriors (Tweeps, Twaps, it doesn't matter what you call them as long its cute) to come to your aid. Regardless of context, regardless of the facts, regardless of how little the issue at hand really matters, they will be there.

People think that Twitter is best for spreading TV spoilers and snarky comments about one's out of touch parents. No, the thing that travels best on Twitter is offense. Being offended is the ideal way to maintain moral and intellectual superiority no matter how little world experience you possess or how few books you've read. The best part about being offended is that it an inexhaustible weapon. Where there's a rational argument, there's a way to be offended by that rational argument.

Everybody knows life in Obama's America is a bleak dystopia and pretty much everything bad in the world can be traced directly back to our Commander-in-Chief. Use this fact to your advantage. If you can link the person you're arguing with to Obama, you win the argument. It's kind of like Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, but with a lot more references to Benghazi. What happens if the argument isn't political and your opponent isn't a self-avowed "libtard?" In that rare case, you just need to expand your definition of what is liberal. If someone brings up art, academics, the environment, books, women's rights, or anything that you deem to be "for pussies," you can play the O-Card. Don't worry: if you can't find a way to link Obungler to your opponent, you can always compare them to Hitler, which is valid in any and all circumstances.

If you never stop the argument you can never lose. If your opponent gives up before you do, then you win. It's simple really. Of course, this method of winning an Internet argument takes some serious dedication. If you're planning on outlasting someone in an online flame war, you'll need dedicate your full attention to the task at hand. Call in sick. Cue up a custom Spotify playlist. Stock up on Monster and Red Bull. You're in for a long night. Though fourteen hours later, you may emerge from your dank office/lair with bloodshot eyes and the beginnings of carpal tunnel syndrome, you will emerge victorious.

Memes are like jokes that you didn't make up and generally aren't that funny. For these reasons and many more, the meme is the ideal weapon of the Internet. From Condescending Wonka, the eye-roll of memes, to Matrix Morpheus, which is just a way to deliver simple information in the most douchey way possible, there are an array of memes that need to be in your digital arsenal. Before you use this very powerful weapon, make sure you've done your research. You must become a student of the meme: study Know Your Meme like feminist blogs study photoshopped magazine covers. You're always one Scumbag Hat away from being out-memed by a Redditor: don't bring a Socially Awkward Penguin to a meme fight.

Everyone on the Internet is a loser. If they really had stuff going on, they wouldn't be spending their time getting into arguments on the Internet. Once you realize this, you can win any Internet argument in short order. Simply point out that the person you're arguing with is a loser in real life, and you've discredited them and set yourself up for Internet glory. What's stopping your opponent from making the same argument? Duh. You're fucking sweet. Make sure you have pictures available of yourself shirtless with a broad sword or surrounded by babes who are definitely not your sister if you want to prevent would be haters from foolishly mocking you without realizing the extent of your awesomeness.

The animated GIF is a beautiful thing. We aren't sure exactly why, but a few frames of motion carries so much more weight than a still photo. These brief snippets of unfettered emotion are some of the most powerful weapons on the Internet. For example, the GIF above, the famed "Orson Welles Clapping" GIF, can make any statement seem arrogant and foolish. As with memes, mastering the GIF takes time and rigorous study. Call your 13-year-old cousin and become her apprentice in the ways of Tumblr. Your time spent wading through GIFs of CW shows and cute pets will be well worth it. If a picture is worth a thousand words, an animated GIF is easily worth millions.

No matter how much time you've spent on an argument, no matter how long you've been researching a topic, no matter how many friendships have been destroyed with your careless words, you can win the argument whenever you want. Simply point out that the argument was stupid and that, in fact, all Internet arguments are stupid. Feel free to finish off your statement with something like "Later Losers" or "Sayanora Suckers" to really twist the knife. The argument may storm on without you, but that doesn't matter because he who logs off first gets the last laugh.