The voice of the Internet, The Kid Mero, will be offering his opinions on everything from pop culture to Twitter beefs, Olympic swimming to WorldStarHipHop conspiracy theories on Complex.com, twice weekly. Mero speaks for himself, his views do not necessarily reflect those of Complex.com, Dante de Blasio's afro, the bodega on 124th and Lenox, or Jennifer Lawrence. You've been warned.
YO FACEBOOK IS 10 YEARS OLD THIS WEEK AND I ONLY KNEW BECAUSE JOE WAS LIKE "HEY MERO DO YOU MAYBE WANNA WRITE ABOUT FACEBOOK BEING 10 YEARS OLD?"
I DON'T DO FACEBOOK BECAUSE FACEBOOK IS WILD INSTRUSIVE B.
YO WHY THE FUCK DO YOU NEED MY REAL NAME FACEBOOK? WHY DO YOU WANT MY PHONE NUMBER MARK SUCKLEBIRD? YOU GONNA CALL ME B? I DON'T WANNA TELL YOU WHEN I WAS BORN FAM I WANNA PUT IN SOME ARBITRARY INFORMATION SO NONE OF MY EXGIRLFRIENDS CAN FIND ME BECAUSE I STOLE ALL THEIR JEWELRY WHEN WE BROKE UP BECAUSE I'M A PETTY PIECE OF SHIT. ALSO, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IF I KNOW THESE PEOPLE YOU SUGGESTING FAM. WHY YOU TRYNA CONNECT ME WITH PEOPLE? I'M JUST TRYNA HAVE CASUAL SEX AND THAT'S WHY MYSPACE WAS WAY MORE POPPING BECAUSE YOU COULD MANIPULATE POTENTIAL FUCKPALS BY GIVING THEM FAKE FEELINGS OF IMPORTANCE VIA YOUR TOP 8.
I HATE TO BE "THAT GUY" BUT FACEBOOK WAS WAY MORE POPPIN WHEN YOU NEEDED A COLLEGIATE EMAIL TO GET IN THE SHIT. "MERO THAT SOUNDS VERY ELITIST AND SNOBBY, NOT EVERYONE GOES TO COLLEGE." THAT'S TRUE, BUT GUESS WHO DOES GO TO COLLEGE? NUBILE YOUNG DRUNK SNOW BUNNIES. COLLEGIATE ERA FACEBOOK WAS A NEVERENDING WATERFALL OF UNDERGRAD PUSSY B. INFINITE COLLEGIATE CHEEKS MY PAL. AND BACK THEN FACEBOOK DIDNT REQUIRE AN ANAL SWAB AND 8098483 DIFFERENT PRIVACY SETTINGS THAT NOT EVEN MATT KNUCKLEFERG KNOW ABOUT. IF YOU DON'T SET THE SHIT UP CORRECTLY FACEBOOK WILL PUT YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER ON GOOGLE BECAUSE THEY IN CAHOOTS. SO NOW NOT ONLY IS PRIVACY GONE, EVERYBODY IS ON THAT SHIT AND I MEAN EVERYBODY. YOU KNOW WHAT FACEBOOK IS LIKE?
I'M JUST TRYNA HAVE CASUAL SEX AND THAT'S WHY MYSPACE WAS WAY MORE POPPING BECAUSE YOU COULD MANIPULATE POTENTIAL FUCKPALS BY GIVING THEM FAKE FEELINGS OF IMPORTANCE VIA YOUR TOP 8.
FACEBOOK IS LIKE RENTING OUT AN EVENT HALL AND INVITING EVERYBODY YOU KNOW TO COME AND HANG OUT WHICH IN THEORY SOUNDS LIKE FUN BUT IT'S NOT. YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE YOU ARE LITERALLY INVITING EVERYONE YOU KNOW. DO YOU REALLY WANT YOUR FUCKIN MOTHER IN LAW HANGING OUT WITH "MURDA FROM 197TH" WHO YOU USED TO SMOKE DUST WITH DAILY IN HIGH SCHOOL? PROBABLY NOT. UNLESS YOU WANT YOUR MOTHER IN LAW TO GRILL YOU ABOUT WHY YOU HUNG/HANG OUT WITH A GUY NAMED "MURDER" (SHE'S GONNA PRONOUNCE THE HARD R LIKE THAT BECAUSE SHE'S WHITE)
YOU HAVE A FRIEND NAMED "MURDER"? I DONT KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THAT. WHO YOU ASSOCIATE WITH SAYS ALOT ABOUT YOU, I MEAN, ARE YOU A MURDERER?
NO MRS. SCHLESINGER I AM NOT A MURDERER, NO I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT "DUST JUICE" IS EITHER. HIS NAME IS ACTUALLY MICHAEL MA'AM. YES MA'AM, MICHAEL JENKINS. NO HE HASN'T KILLED ANYBODY BUT I'M ABOUT TO KILL MYSELF BECAUSE THIS IS MORE AWKWARD THAN THE TIME YOU CAUGHT ME JERKIN OFF IN THE OUTDOOR SHOWER AT THE SHOREHOUSE YOU BROUGHT US ALL TO LAST SUMMER AND I STILL CAN'T MAINTAIN EYE CONTACT WITH YOU.
SO YEAH IF YOU WANNA TALK TO YOUR NANA ON THE INTERNET FACEBOOK IS THE WAVE. IF YOU WANNA GET LAID WITHOUT EVERYONE KNOWING WHO YOU'RE FUCKIN THEN STAY OFF FACEBOOK BECAUSE PRETTY SOON A DICK PIC IS GONNA BE A REQUIREMENT TO SIGN IN AND THAT SHIT IS GONNA BE ON THE INTERNET FOREVER. YOU WANT YOUR PENIS ON THE INTERNET ETERNALLY? I AIN'T THINK SO.
