True Blood "I'm Alive And On Fire" Recap: Witches Magic-Stick It To Pam's Face

Plus, Jason escapes werepanther rapists, the evil baby/devil doll sends a message, and Bill is the king of incest.

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You know an episode of HBO's True Blood is gonna be good when it begins with one character wiping another character off of their chin (whatever scenario that might happen in…). In this case, we pick up with Sookie chastising Eric for sucking her faerie godmother to death. Immediately, this already hilarious event (faeries are pretty gross, and clearly ugly things should die) gets even better when we discover what effect faerie blood has on vamps. But that is only one of this episode's several great revelations. Keep reading for our five things that sucked (in a good way) and five things that sucked (in a bad way).

Written by Justin Monroe (@40yardsplash)

Five Things That Sucked (In A Good Way)

1. Faerie Blood Is Like 151 Proof Vodka To Vamps

We already knew that faerie blood is some tasty shit to a vampire, but what we didn’t see coming is that it’s actually the equivalent of spoiled milk to the extraterrestrial Newcomers from Alien Nation. That is, it’ll tear them the fuck up: After sucking the ugly out of Sookie’s faerie godmother, Eric collapses like a fraternity pledge pounding date rape jungle juice for the first time, then stumbles around, giggles uncontrollably, and pinches and compliments Sookie’s ass before darting around the lawn and speeding away, feeling impervious to the impending sunrise. (Sookie is forced to call Alcide to track him down and save him from burning alive when the blood wears off.)

Most days, the Complex editorial staff literally kills to get its hands on a single malt by noon, so we completely understand why vampires drank faeries to the brink of extinction. And really, we’re not huge fans of the grotesque, deceitful faeries, so consider us doubly in favor of some problem drinking.

2. Jason Kills Uncle Daddy Pervert Felton

Generally speaking, the werepanthers are terrible, just an abhorrently backwards clan that should have died off during Sookie’s stay in Faerie. But of all the meth-dealing, inbred white trash monsters, one stands out as the absolute worst: Felton, Crystal’s brother-husband. In addition to being an abusive V-addict, abducting and imprisoning Jason so lady werepanthers could gang rape cubs out of him, the sack o’ shit is also a pedophile. Few things are as repulsive as watching “uncle daddy Felton” talk dirty to his young werepanther neice Becky, who he presumes has deflowered herself on Jason’s unwilling, yet Mexican Viagra-hardened staff, and is now ready for some incest.

Thankfully, Becky actually freed Jason, and when irate Felton gave chase, half dead and dim-witted Stackhouse still managed to outwit this ignoramus, fashioning a spear and dropping out of a tree (much like a panther, or a man turning into one, would…) to drive it through his filthy back. We’re animal lovers here, but we’ve never been so happy to see an endangered species get run through.

3. Bill Had Sex With His Great Great Great Great Granddaughter

Nothing good comes from meeting a chick’s family after you’ve just started casually smashing. You would think that centuries-old vampire Bill Compton would know this, and yet the King of Louisiana still winds up at the Bellefleur mansion, meeting jumpoff Portia’s snooty society grandma, played by Mona from Who’s The Boss. He handles it as well as any Southern gentleman could, charming the matriarch with his wit, good manners, and willingness to discuss Bellefleur ancestry, which nobody could honestly give a shit about.

He even uses his keen vampire eyesight to help the old bag read the Bellefleur Bible’s faded family tree, which is how he discovers that Portia is actually his great great great great granddaughter. Yup, that’s right, King Compton just accidentally banged his own blood, which, if you think about it, is historically accurate to the life of most royals. All the same, ew. And you didn’t think sex with a cold, bloodsucking corpse could get any less appealing. They don’t make a douche (or a Brillo pad) strong enough to clean that one off.

4. Marnie’s Vengeful Spirit Has A Wicked Sense Of Humor

Nobody knows what to call her yet, but the spirit that has been possessing Marnie, the self-doubting hippie leader of Bon Temps’ coven, is easily the most intriguing character to emerge so far on this season of True Blood. Having already wiped menacing senior vampire Eric Northman’s mind, turning him into a childish idiot, this week she turned her sorcery towards his c-word of an assistant, Pam, who was bullying the coven into restoring Eric’s memory. Her comeuppance: a spell that causes Pam’s skin to rot and peel off, exposing her for the walking corpse that she is. Being a vampire is considerably less sexy when you actually look like you’ve been dead for centuries.

So why is the spirit so pissed off at vampires? It’s unclear exactly what role vamps played, but in a dream Marnie witnesses helplessly as Spanish Catholics burn the young woman alive for being a witch. As the flames engulf her, she curses the onlookers, who we presume must have fangs. In all likelihood, this is the act of barbarism that leads to the Spanish Massacre, a 17th century slaughter of bloodsuckers by what Nan Flanagan describes as a “single powerful witch with a reason to go after vampires.” With a deep hatred for vamps and the power to do something about it, this malevolent spirit is looking like the first anti-hero capable of really telling fangers to suck it.

5. Polyamorous Promises

You can’t accuse Sookie of having a boring love life. Fresh out of a bad relationship with Bill that was founded on deception, she’s got herself squarely in the middle of two monster men who want to clearly want to scare the bejeezus into her. Eric, the vamp, was always angling to own her, but his disarming sensitivity and idiotic charm in the wake of his mind-wiping might actually get the job done. Alcide, the simpleminded werewolf, is back with his territorial old werewolf bitch, V-addict Debbie, but we don’t buy for one second when he calls Sookie his friend. Dogs are loyal, sure, but last we checked they’ll hump anything. The tug-of-war between Eric and Alcide is sure to leave some bite marks when somebody finally starts getting some Sookie-sookie.

The more intriguing love triangle, though, has to be Jason, Jessica, and Hoyt. The two guys are friends and former roommates, but Jessica fed Jason her vampire blood to save him when she and Hoyt found him clawed up and passed out on the roadside after his escape from werepanther bondage in Hot Shot. As we all know, ingesting V forms an intense sexual attraction, so even if he wants to do right by Hoyt and not smash Jessica, he’s bound to lust after her. For her sake, Jessica has been craving variety in her diet, and Jason is a chick magnet (especially for troubled ones, like werepanther rapists, V-addicts, and married women), so that pretty much assures they will end up violating Hoyt something awful. It’s bound to get ugly, but only after it gets awesomely unclothed and hot.

Five Things That Sucked (In A Bad Way)

1. Not Enough Evil Baby And Devil Doll

One of the season’s best subplots involves Mikey, son of Arlene and her serial killer ex, Rene. The reluctant mother is convinced that she gave birth to pure evil, a tiny homicidal maniac who will carry on murdering women like his daddy did. In last week’s episode, Jessica added more potential mayhem to the mix when she gifted her troublesome baby doll, which mysteriously returned whenever discarded, to Mikey. So now we have two classic horror themes—the evil baby and the devil doll—sharing space.

In this week’s episode, their reign of terror begins, as one of the two grabs a marker while Arlene’s husband Terry is doing laundry and scrawls a message for him on the wall: “Baby not yours.” The surprised adoptive father recoils and Arlene shrieks.

Unfortunately that is all. With the abundance of plotlines in True Blood, Arlene and Terry’s supporting status, and the lack of guys with eight-pack abs here, you get the sense that this delightful story will develop in, well, baby steps. Short and sweet is fine in some cases, like, say, white trash werepanthers, but this arc is getting criminally short shrift.

2. Luna Is A Single Mom With Man Problems

After sexy shifter Luna, played by our girl Janina Gavankar, started the season so strongly, running around naked and revealing that she can take other human forms (because she killed her mom during childbirth), Sam shows up at her house for some spontaneous action and we discover that she’s actually a single mom. Not only that, but her baby daddy is a jealous werewolf. Sam says he’s on board for whatever, but there’s no quicker way to lessen our interest in a hot chick than weighing her down with the baggage of a young daughter and a dangerous stalker ex. Call us cold, but it's enough hassle dealing with our own DNA, as in the stuff spilled in the champagne room with no strings attached.

3. Crystal Becomes Big Mama Kitty

Felton’s death was welcome, but the werepanther storyline is far from over. Moments after Jason dispatches Felton, Crystal slinks up and takes naked human form (OK, not hating on that) to announce that she is now “Big Mama Kitty” and “Everybody gon’ do what I say.” While she’s certainly hotter than the old were-coot who seemed to be running the group before with Felton, she’s not exactly a prize-worthy pussycat: her idea of showing Jason that she loves him is tying him to a bed, attempting to turn him, and raping him, and her yokel ass thinks that the best way to treat Jason’s panther-scratch and bite wounds is rub dirt in them. Next to this genius, Sarah Palin looks like a smart choice for a leadership role.

4. Emo Eric Northman

Eric Northman is a badass Viking turned even more badass vampire sheriff, but since Marnie’s witch spirit cleaned his clock, he’s more of an emo tween. Whereas he used to be a sick sadist, now sad Eric is pensive. After Sookie and Alcide save him from burning to death in the sun, he mopes and pines about how he’ll never swim in the sun again, never feel the heat on his skin, never see the daylight in Sookie’s hair. That last bit is admittedly smooth game, but then he also complains that she thinks he’s weak because he isn’t heartless anymore. Like the H.N.I.C. Prodigy once said, “That’s not pain, that’s emotion, you a bitch,” and, Eric, we tend to agree.

5. Doggone Joe Lee Returns

Maybe we’re on some liberal elitist shit, but the uneducated yokels on this season are really in full effect and overkill. We’re not big fans of Sam’s whiny brat brother Tommy, but we had to feel for him when his own shifter mom tricks him back into slavery. Vowing that she’d left Joe Lee, the powerless, mean alcoholic trash who made him shift and participate in dogfights, she lures Tommy to their trailer, where the cruel father sneak up on Tommy and chains him up, cursing that he’ll teach him about obedience, loyalty, and family, which means he’ll teach him to keep risking his neck in fights so Joe Lee’s lazy gambling ass can make enough money to stay drunk.

The only thing about Joe Lee that brings us joy is the sneaking suspicion that doggy man Sam will soon be burying his bones. And hell, after what Mama Mickens did, maybe a showdown between her and Tommy’s concerned adopted mother, Maxine, the self-professed “lioness,” is on the books as well.

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